Life Goals for the End of Days.

I haven't done any kind of New Year's Resolutions in a few years and I feel oddly inspired to lay some out for 2012. In the past, my promises to myself were steeped in negative language: I will quit doing blahblahblah, no more [random food item], cut back on xyz, and stop doing this, that, and the other. Many of them (predictably) had to do with weight loss and disordered eating. It makes sense that I needed to take some time off from such negativity in my first few years of accepting and loving my body. Fuck those negative vibes, man. I'm approaching my resolutions this year from a decidedly positive place; It's basically going to be a to-do list of epic proportions.

Some of the things on my list do have to do with my appearance, but not my weight. It's all about gender performance, self-care, and self-expression in 2012!

1. Learn to walk in heels. This has been a goal of mine for a very long time and this year I will buckle down and buy a cheap pair to practice in. As I master the technique, I will slowly increase the height of the heel and hopefully decrease the width of the heel itself. Spiky stilettos, here I come!
2. Figure out how to do a proper wing with liquid eyeliner. I only started wearing liquid liner this year (as well as filling in my eyebrows with brown eyeshadow) and I usually round off the end with a moist q-tip. I want wings, damnit. Yes, I know there are youtube tutorials and I've seen the scotch-tape thing, but I've only succeeded at doing a decent wing ONCE and I simply need more practice. I rarely leave the house without liquid liner on, I'm just tired of it not being the exact look I want.
3. Find the right shade of red lipstick for my coloring and start wearing it on the regular. Awhile back, Kyla The Great did a review of Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics liquid lip color, Lip Tar, and this stuff is Serious Business. I just need to to figure out what shade works best for me and order some.
4. Paint my nails more often. This one is simple. I already have a decent variety of colors in my collection, I just need to set aside the time and do it.

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Alia Shawkat looking delightfully femme.

This next set of resolutions are related to my general health and well-being and will be tackled from a HAES perspective.

1. Drink more water. It's simple and straightforward, but I still have stress forcing myself to do it. Water consumption is one of the things I keep track of in my day planner and lately, it's been tapering off. I need to have a glass or bottle nearby at all times.
2. Exercise at least 3 times a week. My experience has been that the best way to keep my blood pressure in the normal range is to be more active. I'm not a person who sits very much and the majority of my day is spent on my feet, but I'm generally just standing and not exactly moving around a lot. I bought an elliptical at the end of September and have yet to get into a regular routine with it. I'll use it a few times one week and then not touch it for a couple of weeks and so on. I need to use it more often and slowly increase the length of time I'm on there. I usually last about 10 to 15 minutes tops right now before I get bored. I also love dancing and took a Zumba class once, which I enjoyed greatly. All of these activities need to be worked into my life more.

The last few resolutions are kind of random and don't fit neatly into the above categories.

1. Try out 25 completely new recipes. This would only be about two new meals a month, which shouldn't be a problem. I'm a decent cook, but I tend to make the same things over and over. It's time to mix it up a bit.
2. Introduce a few new items to the Etsy shop. This is something I've been wanting to do for awhile, but this is a great opportunity to stop procrastinating and hold myself to it! I've got more patchwork in the pipes: Neck warmer/scarf/collar type things (I've got to figure out what I'm going to call them if I want to market and sell them. Ack!), decorative hoop wall-hangings, and some other surprises! I also want to make more of my cuffs, baby cubes, and coordinate some more sachet sets!
3. Get the yard a lot closer to finished. I know that landscaping and gardening are never really done, but it is currently a MESS out there. I've got a lot of areas where I need to lay down sheets to kill the weeds and cover them with beauty bark, as well as some rock borders that need to be put in, etc etc etc. It will always be an ongoing project, but I want to make lots of progress this Spring. LOTS.
4. Pose for semi-nude portraits. I saved this one for last because it's a big'n. I've been toying around with this idea for a couple of years and finally decided that it's time. My longtime BFF, Lexi, is an incredibly talented photographer. She's taken several pictures of me over the years and I've loved every one of them. If I'd be comfortable with anyone taking pictures of me in next to nothing, it'd be her. She's never done nudes or semi-nudes before and so this will be a big deal for both of us. Time to document my ruffle-butt!

So yes, it's a long list. I know. I think that as long as I stay positive and focus on what I want to start doing instead of what I want to stop doing, it will be something I can accomplish. This is going to a rad year. I can feel it in my bones.

Found my way upstairs and had a smoke, and somebody spoke and I went into a dream.

I've been attempting to look back over 2011, to refresh my memory of all the fun and exciting and hectic things that happened, and I'm finding it extremely difficult. I only wrote four posts in the first half of the year. FOUR. I documented very little in this space.

It's not that we weren't doing anything at all, it's just that my drive to write about it fell away for a bit. Thankfully, attending Life is Good for the first time inspired me to type up a storm and it just kept coming. Not as frequently as I'd blogged in past years (I never exceeded 13 posts in 1 month this whole year), but it definitely felt good to think out-loud again.

I mused about my relationship with my mother (or lack thereof), put out a zine, accepted the fact that my fat caused a piece of furniture to collapse, and talked about how my son and I are sometimes total assholes to each other. I turned 30 and decided that was as good a time as any to start TMI-ing everybody about my fertility (I also threw myself a super rad birthday bash). I realized that I was starting to become my mother and promptly freaked the fuck out, and then I cooked many many meals from a small pool of ingredients.

I taught other people how to sew by hand and fell madly in love with a new kitten. I dealt with a good friend moving away and an era essentially ending and tried to figure out what that means in terms of finding friends who aren't small-minded in a small town (it's HARD). I finally got my teeth worked on and now won't have to go back to the dentist for a year or two, unless a tooth breaks in half or explodes or something. We also hosted Seth's family for Giftmas Morning Brunch. All in all, we did quite a bit.

It's been a busy year. I've learned a lot about myself, what I want my life to look like, and how to make it happen. I'm excited about the coming year and am looking forward to setting some goals for my business, as well as my personal life.

totes uh-may-may

This week I got to spend an utterly AMAZING three days hosting my bosom friend Amber (who is blunt and vulgar and wise and squishy) and her delightful daughter, Olivia (who I am convinced is a 30 year old woman in the body of an 8 year old). I'm slowly but surely coming out of the haze of good food, great laughs, and general awesomeness.

Amber and I have known each other for almost 6 years. She was the first friend I made in Port Townsend, outside of the girls I met through work - my first REAL and GENUINE friend in this place. She moved to Seattle a few years ago and across the country to Boston this Summer for schooling. We haven't always been close, geographically or emotionally, but Amber put it well as I drove them back to the ferry; We've been constant voyeurs into one-another's lives the entire time. First through LiveJournal, then through Facebook and our respective blogs, and most recently through Tumblr, we've always had an emotional investment in how the other is getting on in life. I'm not sure I have that with anyone else. I have many online friends who I've known for 10+ years and many friends from my teens who don't live nearby anymore, but the connection between Amber and I is wholly unique and bizarre and lovely. This visit was extra special because it gave us a chance to build on that in person, face to face. In those 3 days we got to hang out more than I think we had in the total time of being friends. It was a gift.

This was meant to happen.

These people are a part of my life and I'm a part of theirs.

One of my favorite things about their stay here was seeing Olivia and Silas hanging out. Back in late 2006 and early 2007, these two played together several times. Oh how I wish I could find pictures! I know a couple exist, but I can't seem to track them down. To see them reunited was overwhelmingly special. I had asked Silas beforehand if he remembered Olivia and even though he didn't, he was excited to see her and get to know her. Once she hopped into the back seat with him his eyes got wide and he told her, "I didn't think I remembered you, but now that I see your face, I TOTALLY know you!" They hadn't seen eachother in almost 5 years.

They weren't always eachother's cup of tea (are friends EVER totally?), but that didn't stop them from having a grand old time exploring and playing and having the most random of adventures.

A non-stop blur of laughing and carrying-on.

On the second night of their visit, our mutual friend, Kitty, came over for dinner and good company. I made my homemade version of KFC Famous Bowls (I finally perfected my gravy!!) and we drank mimosas and watched The Muppet Movie and made videos (you have to watch them, I'm not even kidding. We are utterly ridiculous in them). Oh my christ, it was the best night in the history of nights.

If Amber and Olivia still lived here (and Kitty, for that matter, who is just home from college for Winter break), we'd be doing this a couple of times a month, at the very least. I can guarantee it.

When I got up this morning to a quiet house with half as many people in it, I let out a stereotypically maudlin sigh. I couldn't help it; it was a wonderful visit and altogether FAR too short. I'm so glad we got to make such hilarious memories.

a flurry of movement

You know how when you meet new people, one of the first questions they ask is what you do for a living? Ever since leaving my job as a grocery-store-checker in the Summer of 2009, I've answered that I work from home, doing hand-sewing and selling my creations through Etsy, but I've always felt like a bit of a fraud when saying it. Sure, sewing at home and selling the results is what I do with the majority of my time, but I've never made a living wage doing it. If I were single and living on my own, I'd have to have a more traditional day-job as well. It's still only a supplemental income, if we're looking at it from a purely financial standpoint. It's more tangible than that, though, from a personal and philosophical standpoint.

It's nearly impossible to make a living wage through a small online shop filled with handmade goods. A very small percentage of the people who do this sort of thing are able to live off that income alone. Granted, I don't have the overhead that a brick and mortar store does, but my fabric collection took time and money to grow to its current size. We built a house with an extra bedroom partially as a computer room and partially because I needed a studio to work in. Each item I make takes a decent amount of time to draft, trace, cut, and put together. If it's an item that needs hand-stitched button holes, then shit just got real. This is a time-consuming endeavor, for sure. Three years in and it's starting to come together into something real and rewarding.

My brand is becoming more than just an etsy storefront, it's becoming an extension of myself. My aesthetic is unmistakeably Jasie. 2011 has been a year of tremendous growth for me and my sewing in that my vision for what I want Soft & Cozy to be has hit its target like a guided awesome-seeking missile.

This has been a year of many firsts for my business.

• I was asked to be part of a group Holiday Sale at the Hand Work Studio, which is an exciting artist co-op just down the road from my house. It was a great event to be a part of and it gave me the opportunity to make some great contacts, get some exposure, and be a part of something that is just bursting with creative energy! I decided going in that as long as I broke even on my booth fee, I'd consider the sale a financial success - That happened with my second customer, twenty minutes after the doors opened. Anything after that was a bonus, I figured. I ended up walking away with another dozen sales by the end of it!

• I also signed up for several time-slots in the alcove at the front of our local Food Co-op, a space they let local cottage merchants reserve for free. Since there was no fee, any sale I made was a profit. Granted, I didn't make many sales, though once Thanksgiving had passed and people were in gift-buying mode, it definitely picked up. The main benefit of being in that space was the exposure. A LOT of people stopped to talk to me about what I do and many took a business card, which is always a good thing. Even if it goes to the bottom of their purse and they don't see it for months, I'm up in their brain and they'll remember my stuff the next time they see it.

The crowd at the Hand Work Studio's Holiday Sale

What a turn out!

• And this brings us to business cards - I finally invested in some this Summer. It was about damn time. I went with a local printing company (warning, their website is straight out of 1998. Yikes), rather than moo or vistaprint or any of those online business card places and although it was a little more spendy, they had great service and I was happy with the results. Local businesses for the win!

• The biggest opportunity I was given this year was to teach hand-sewing workshops at AoT. Not many people learn how to sew by hand in this day and age and for me to get to share something that I am passionate about and proficient at was a great amount of fun. I taught two different patchwork projects and got to hang out with some really neat people while doing it! We even got a shout-out from a local radio show during our last class, since we let them know we were listening in. There's nothing like listening to Fugazi and drinking champagne while sewing away with a great group of local ladies. I'll be continuing these classes in the new year, hopefully every month, and we'll be branching out into other forms of creative crafting. Stay tuned.

Me in full-on instructor mode. Check out that level of focus. ZAP!

And they're deep in it too.

As 2012 grows closer and closer (seriously, why does time move so much more quickly as I age?! This Winter has been such a blur and when did Fall happen?) I'm honing in even more specifically on what I want for Soft & Cozy and my sewing in general. I'm most excited about some new products I'll be integrating into my inventory in the coming months - there will be more wearable patchwork goodies as well as some new home decor items that are SO me that it's scary. I look forward to sharing all of this and more with you.

If you give a dad a cookie...

I don't want to speak for all mothers or parents, but there are things I have witnessed in the way that people view mothering and fathering differently that I feel need to be addressed, before they make me gouge my eyes out in frustration.

- double standards, we has them -

So often I see fathers congratulated for showing up. Don't get me wrong, showing up as a parent is a great thing, but it is only the first step of parenting. He changes a few diapers or makes dinner or takes the kids to the park and he's Father of the Year? Why is it that when we see a mother do these things, it isn't considered special or extraordinary or worthy of a pat on the back? Mom could be at the park with the kids or the grocery store or the library and it's just considered normal.

When I was a checker, I'd occasionally see a mom out doing the shopping by herself and when she ran into people she knew, the first words out of their mouth after the usual hi and how have you been were, "So where are the kids? At home with [name of dad]?" or even worse, "Oh, is [name of dad] babysitting? Lucky you!" And yet, when Dad is at the store alone with the kids, he gets practically cooed at by every passer-by with a biological clock.

NORMALIZE THIS!

All too often, when I witness people talking about divorced/separated co-parents, their reaction to a mother having her child/ren two nights a week is that she isn't really much of a parent or is a deadbeat or must be lacking in some motherly instincts/abilities. The reaction to a father taking the child/ren for two nights a week is a shocked and impressed exclamation, "he has them EVERY weekend?" I've gotten this response from people about my ex and it blew me away. If our roles were reversed, I'd be vilified! Even worse if I ever had the audacity to move to a different part of the country for a period and left my child to live with his father in the meantime.

So yes, I want to see pictures and status updates about how your husband/boyfriend/co-parent wears the baby or volunteers in the classroom or takes the kids to the beach; not because you're tripping over yourself in unwarranted gratitude for him doing Normal Good-Parent Tasks, though, but to show that these things already SHOULD be considered normal for him to be doing. Every time they exert the bare minimum of effort and we gush about how UH-MAY-ZING they are, we're only short-changing them out of their role as a parent, and worse, short-changing the kid/s on the receiving end of such bare minimum parenting. Saying it's good enough is letting them off the hook from ever carrying more of the weight.

And as for how we treat moms... pleeeeeease give them a break and let them do their thing. This judging every single tiny thing they do thing really isn't helping anybody.

Support more, speculate less.

They see me droolin', they hatin'.

I have a severely complicated relationship with dental work. I didn't have my first dental appointment until I was 23 and it was to remove a irreparably decayed molar. Growing up poor (and in an entrepreneurial family), we never had dental insurance and because there wasn't pain or visible issues, I was never taken to see a dentist. My dad got dentures when I was only 8 and it was incredibly expensive. We brushed and flossed and used bacteria killing mouthwash and had deluded ourselves into thinking that as long as nothing hurt, no other care was needed.

This carried on into adulthood for me and because of my lack of experience sitting in the reclining exam chair, I developed major anxiety about dental work in general. I didn't have another appointment until it was necessary to have my wisdom teeth pulled, which I was thankfully put under for. Then when I got the job at Safeway, because of finally being insured, I found a dentist I liked and started going in for regular care and maintenance. Once I left that hellhole of a job, I again neglected my teeth, which wasn't a big deal for me... until I lost big chunks of two of my molars and started feeling excruciating amounts of pain. So now? Now I'm paying out of pocket and doing something about the state my poor mouth is in.

My dentist is a dear who acknowledges the severe anxiety I have about being in the chair and graciously gives me a valium before each appointment and immediately hooks me up to the laughing gas. Thank Fucking Goodness.

Today while I was having my exam, x-rays, and cleaning of the lower right quadrant, my hazy and tingly brain drifted away... Rolling in the Deep was playing on the canned music piped into the office. My hands felt floaty and my lip felt fat and bloated. For some reason, memories of third grade started moving into my internal peripherals. ...We could have had it aaaaallll... I wanted so badly to attend the Young Writer's Conference, but only two students from each classroom were selected and somehow Miranda Gerberding beat me and got to go. ...Rolling in the deeeeeeep...The boy from my class who went was someone I had an intense crush on (something that rotated weekly for me as a smitten 8 year old on the prowl) and she would get to spend the day writing poems and listening to authors speak and attend workshops with the object of my pre-pubescent infatuation. I was utterly crushed. ...You had my heart inside your hands... I won the competition the next year and was able to go to the conference, but it was bittersweet, as Brandon had moved on and the boy who won it with me the next year wasn't cute enough to be on my radar. ...And you played it to the beat...

The squealing and scraping of the tools was over and I floated out of my weird daydream. They printed out the costs of the needed routines and their order of priority. I made an appointment for a week from now to get the next order of business taken care of. They handed me another valium to take right before the next appointment. And now here I am - numb and uncontrollably drooly.

lynx and such.

Time to wrangle up some random internetting from the last couple of days. Enjoy!

This film is perfection, hands-down, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It totally holds up and was the perfect accompaniment to my lightning-fast sewing blitz a few days ago. It's available on Netflix instant right now, if'n you're interested.

I had a bit of trepidation about watching this video, because of the unfortunate screenshot that the thumbnail came from, heh, but it was quite good and supported a Health At Every Size approach to exercise and fitness and overall health and well-being.

Registration for the Oregon Chautauqua is now open. They need 60 people registered and deposit paid by March 1st to keep the camp going this year. If you've been on the fence, please take a look at my post about this year. It's a seriously amazing vacation.


Listening While Feminist: In Defense of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” by Slay Belle
"I’ve heard the take on “Baby” as “rapey” a couple of times over the years and the concern about the song usually centers in on one line – “say what’s in this drink,” which many contemporary listeners assume is a reference to a date rape drug. But narrowing in on this particular line divorces it from its own internal context, and having only passing familiarity with the song divorces it from its cultural context."


Goddammit, Part Two by Melissa McEwan
"Whether Plan B is available isn’t going to change the facts of the world. It’s only going to be yet another example of how we routinely consider tween girls simultaneously old enough to be sexual targets, and too young to be allowed to be sexually empowered. Anyone who is more concerned about a pregnant child being hurt by contraceptives than they are about that child being raped, pregnant, and forced instead to undergo an abortion or a full-term pregnancy and delivery, is living in a silly, stupid, unserious bubble of self-deceit, and no one should listen to anything they have to say on the subject of reproductive rights ever again."

I'm pro-choice because... at Raising My Boychick
"I’m pro-choice because every child should have the right to be a chosen child, whether or not their conception was intended. I’m pro-choice because parenthood is way too damned hard for anyone to be forced into it. I’m pro-choice because people with uteruses are, y’know, people, and capable of making their own decisions."


The True Cost of Handmade by Somer Sherwood
"Without accounting for the cost of materials, at $150, I would be paying myself about $7.50 per hour for this hat. This hat that I created. This hat that is my art. This hat that is one-of-a-kind, that evolved from a tiny little round of crocheted stitches into its own Thing. This hat that I made with my own hands, that I kept working on until my hands began to hurt. $7.50 per hour. That is less than minimum wage."

For those who speak of unschooling as if it is some kind of un-parenting:
"Some kind of learning is happening all the time - but not all learning is good. Learning how to sneak food, learning that parents can't be trusted and counted on, learning to think of oneself in negative ways, all sad. Learning that life is boring, hard work, sucks, hurts, is unfair, also sad... Human brains are voracious and will feed on whatever is available - unschoolers should be offering interesting experiences, ideas, stimulation, music, logic, conversation, images, movement, discovery, beauty, etc. Brain food in abundance. It requires effort. It requires attention to qualitative and quantitative aspects of learning. Depth and breadth - creating a lifestyle in which kids are offered the opportunity to learn a lot about some things and a little about a lot of things." - Pam Sorooshian

all black all the time

I'm on a bit of a self-imposed break from buying new clothes. For the first time in my life I actually seem to own all the necessary items to be dressed weather appropriately! It's shocking, I know. I even have a proper winter coat, though I don't feel totally comfortable when wearing it, as the shape of it is very 80's. It reminds me of winter coats my mom had when I was little and I can't decide if I feel fashion-y or shabby in it. I am still trying to let it grow on me. Even if it never does, I got it on sale last year and it's not like we have super harsh winters that require me to wear it for months on end. It comes out of the closet maybe half a dozen times each year.

I've also stocked up on my basic leggings and have a mix of good sweaters and vests that can be layered over the rest of my clothes... so far, so warm. I recently bought a new pair of boots to get me through the winter and on an impulse, I bought a floppy wool hat (my last two purchases before I instated the buying-ban). I haven't worn a hat as a fashion accessory since I was 12 and rocked a denim Blossom-esque hat with the big flower on the front! I still feel a bit weird when I wear it, but I've gotten compliments and it really is quite warm and cute.

I find that with my new short hair, every sartorial choice translates a little differently than when my hair was longer. I'm sure it's not on anyone's radar but my own, but I'm the one walking around in my body and am aware of how it all feels... and also, I think too much.

crochet back vest & plain black tights - Walmart
sequin front sweater - Old Navy
stretchy mini skirt - Target
boots - Jessica London
purse & assorted bracelets - Forever 21
FAT necklace - Fancy Lady Industries

hat - The Gap
top - Walmart
sweater - Target
leggings - Old Navy
scarf & purse - Forever21
boots - Jessica London
necklace - The Clothes Horse in PT

pulp and circumstance.

Last weekend we got to help press apples for cider out at Seth's parents home. After not having helped out since October of 2009, we still remembered the basics. It's kind of like riding a bike, in that way.

First you wash the apples.

Then you rinse them.

Then you slice the ones that are too large to fit through the grinder.

Grind up on it.

Once your bucket is full you twist, twist, twist the juice right out of it.

NOM. I won't deny that I came over here with a cup on more than one occasion to get a few gulps straight from the press.

Then you strain it into jugs - some for fermenting into hard cider, and some for drinking right away.

Now that's what I'm talking about.