“What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?”

So... yes, Port Townsend IS lovely. I may occasionally complain about the lack of social outlet here, the inconvenience of not having major shopping places, etc... but it does not change the fact that it is SO worth it to live in such a beautiful place.

Quite.

Even the odd little dirt trails in the places where streets don't connect (why do city planners insist on streets not connecting? What's up with that?) are pretty.

You can see the water from almost anywhere uptown. This is one of the obvious benefits of being surrounded by water on three sides and being on a hill. The other benefit is wind. Lots of wind. Ok, maybe that's not really a benefit as much as a nuisance.

But the neighborhoods are awfully pretty.

These two houses are down the street and around the corner from our apartment. I quite like them.

More water. Heh. I feel like my photos aren't really representative of the type of cars seen most in PT. I took these photos last Sunday and I'm guessing all of the most PT-esque cars were out and about instead of parked in their driveways. Typically you'd see a lot more Volvo & Subaru station wagons, Prius(s), and 70's/80's diesel Mercedes...

I guess it's not the end of the world that I didn't get more pictures of cars. That's kind of silly.

This is the Northwest Maritime Center. They just built this last year down on the waterfront and although the design of it doesn't really fit with the old brick buildings and Victorian houses, it's quite fetching.

It feels like it belongs in some Dutch seaport as a common area for the locals to stroll and do european things, whatever those are.

Watch out for tsunamis, guys.

And seagulls.

And driftwood. It'll get you.

In other news, there are piles of lumber sitting next to our foundation! I think this is a good sign.

epiphanies

Writing this post a few days back and spending a lot of time thinking about the situation and talking it over with Seth, I've come to the conclusion that...

My child needs

• more trust put in him. He is a very capable kid and is never going to learn that about himself unless given the chance. I have to stop restricting him and thinking he has limitations where he doesn't.

• less arbitrary limits put on him and his personal expression. I'm done telling him to be quiet or not touch things or don't do that because he might alienate someone we don't even know and will probably never see again. The only way he can learn about personal space and respect for others is by example and through personal experience, not through lectures and stern reprieve.

• to get more one on one attention from both Seth and I. Board games, movies watched together, novels read out loud, road trip conversations, walks taken, wrestling matches - these are all great things that we do a little bit of. We can and should do more.

• to make some friends. Period. This is something he needs to do on his own terms without my hopes and dreams for his burgeoning social life hovering over his head. He needs me to help him get out into the world, once he's out there, he doesn't need me watching and waiting on baited breath. Talk about pressure.

It isn't always going to be comfortable for me to let him be himself. That's ok. Moving past my insecurity and discomfort is what's needed right now for our family to grow and be healthy and productive. This parenting thing is not easy or simple or without complications. Life happens and it's messy and weird and unpredictable - I need to become ok with that and give up my need for control in respect of his need for autonomy.


This town has a very weird vibe when it comes to parenting. A lot of people can be quite uptight about the presence of their children and quite judgmental about how everyone else does things. I have assimilated into that mindset from being here for four years and from my default inclination towards operating that way. I love this town and all it has to offer and am buying a house here and have no intention of leaving. I'm going to have to make it work and just let go of all of this. I have to make it work here without driving myself insane. I'm getting so tired of letting my deeply ingrained default parenting habits dictate my son's life. He's kind of awesome, in case I hadn't noticed. I'm kind of awesome as well. This holding back, this anxiety, this controlling tendency... I'm banishing it.

I like to have a bath and a sleep.

This may very well be the most random thing I've ever shared, but I am downright mesmerized by these two videos! Maybe I can finally perfect my Jemaine Clement impression. I can do Australian and sound exactly like a frantic Claire on Lost, but NZ eludes me.

cooking rice used to scare me, it's true.

It really wasn't all that long ago that I was paralyzed by fear every time I thought about cooking proper rice on the stove-top like a regular person. I don't handle failure well. I'm learning, I'm growing (obviously, or I wouldn't be making rice!), but it's a process. I generally stick to doing things I know I do well, things I've already succeeded at. Shells were made to be broken out of, I think. My little comfort zone is oh-so-silly. What's the worst that could happen? I try making rice on the stove-top, it doesn't turn out and I wasted a tiny bit of very inexpensive food and a minuscule amount of time. I'm done hanging out in my silly little shell.

Red beans and rice, here I come.

I found a set of uber-simple directions for cooking rice on The Kitchn (goodness gracious, their how-tos are a life-saver!) and decided to take some risks. I know I can't be the only person who has relied on instant rice or a rice-cooker and hasn't got a clue what they're doing, so here are those simple directions for making perfect white rice:

For every cup of white rice, use 2 cups of H2O.

Put water on to boil with a little bit of salt and butter. While that's heating up, rinse your rice until the water runs clear. Once water is boiling, add in rice and bring back up to a boil. Cover the pot, turn the heat down to low and cook for 18 to 25 min. DO NOT lift the lid until the first check at 18 minutes. That steam is important, yo. Let it do its thing. and...

Voila! Awesome rice. For this recipe you'll need 2 cups of white rice.

Now it's time to get down to the nitty-gritty of Red Beans & Rice. This recipe is adapted from the Mexican Red Beans and Rice recipe on page 188 of The 12 Best Foods Cookbook. While my rice is cooking I prepare my veggies and spices. What you need:

a few large cloves of garlic

1 green pepper

1/2 a red onion

dried oregano

chipotle powder

Also pull a can of diced tomatoes and a can of kidney beans out of the cupboard. You're going to need them.

Any time I need minced garlic, I pull out my trusty Garlic Zoom! I don't own a lot of kitchen "tools". I think slap-chops are stupid and The Silver Bullet is kind of useless, but if the world were to end tomorrow I'd truly miss my garlic zoom: It's super awesome. Everyone should own one, especially with how inexpensive they are! I bought mine at the little kitchen store downtown for $10 (I may link to Amazon for all of these things, but seriously, support your local mom & pop shops whenever you can).

So yes... moving right along... get those veggies chopped up and ready to go. I used a little less onion than the recipe called for (they wanted AN ENTIRE ONION in there. Overkill, guys), but quite liked how it turned out, so you really don't need a whole onion.

Saute the onion and green pepper in some oil over medium-high heat for 4 or 5 minutes, until the onions start to go translucent on you. Then add in the garlic and cook for another minute or 2. Time for spices! One teaspoon dried oregano, 1/2 teaspoon chipotle powder (I didn't level off the measuring spoon and I really wish I had - WAY spicy. Next time I'm going to do 1/2 teaspoon, not quite full, heh. But if you're adventurous and like things WAY spicy, go for it). Also throw in some black pepper for fun.

Now it's time for a can of diced tomatoes with all of their glorious juice! I used plain, since I felt like enough was already going on in this dish. Simmer that over low, uncovered, for about 10 minutes, until some of the juice has evaporated.

Add in a can of rinsed Red Kidney Beans and cook for a couple more minutes until it's all warmed through and smells amazing.

Time to mix in those 2 cups of rice you cooked earlier and give it all a bunch of good stirs. It's going to take a lot of stirring and mixing, I'm warning you. Stirring is good therapy, as well as chopping. Takes your mind off things and gets your hands moving... just don't lose a finger and you'll be good to go. Let that all mingle and warm for a few more minutes over low/medium heat.

Here it is - the tastiest side dish on earth. Honestly, I think this could stand alone with some tortilla chips or salad, but I put it together with some skewered grilled chicken rubbed in spices.

Enjoy!

all hail The Ice Queen.

Parenting is HARD. Caring for another human being is difficult in general. Parenting my kid seems to be especially hard for me, specifically. I sometimes wonder what kind of parent I'd be if I had been entrusted with a completely different child. Not in a wistful way, longing and dreaming that Silas was somebody else. I feel the need to clarify, because that's not it AT ALL. He is hilarious and amazing and smart and completely unique, BUT - the kid drains me. Like an empty pond with a bunch of mucky sediment at the bottom - that's me.

Lately I'm feeling detached and cold and not altogether accessible to him. I'm doing him a disservice through all of this and I know it's not fair and I need to be his rock. He spends the majority of his time around me, so I need to step it up. I know this. It's the "how" of it that's nagging at me. I want to be warmer, less tightly wound, less stressed, more open and vulnerable and available for him, but... how? I don't want to force it. He's intelligent and intuitive and would see that coming from a mile away.

We are so much alike, cut from the same cloth, peas from the same pod, kindred spirits. That has a flip-side as well which includes button-pushing, conflicting moods and needs, bickering and joking and teasing and apologizing. Kids are resilient and have been surviving assy parenting for ages - I'm proof. I know I'm being too hard on myself, but that doesn't stop me from looking at the situation from every angle and blaming my own damn self. This is who I am. Who I am and who he is forms a complex web. I'm at a loss as to how we can both reside on that web in a more harmonious way and how I can better parent this boy. He needs to get it from me. And even more so than that, I need to learn how to better give it.

an afternoon in February where I don't need a sweater? Yes please! And also, the trials and tribulations of hand sewing, sans proper patterns.

dress - OldNavy
vest - Etsy
scarf & booties - Forever21
tights - WeLoveColors

This dress has served me well. I hope I can continue to wear it atleast another Spring/Summer before it finally falls apart on me. It was under $20 and started out with puffed sleeves, a deeper neckline, a longer skirt, and various other little differences from what it is now. I have toiled over this dress more times than I can count - taking it in here, cutting fabric there, tuck, tuck, tuck... stitch, stitch, stitch. It's basically a completely different dress than what I originally bought and as a result, has become the most versatile article of clothing I own. But it won't last forever, eventually something will rip beyond repair... after all, I've been wearing it as my main most basic versatile dress for over a year and a half now. It's time I got a couple of new dresses. I could buy them, but when I buy new dresses I'm relegated to Old Navy's plus size options - clingy knits that come in solid colors or awful patterns. I've gone this route in the past, opting for basic black, navy, gray, brown, and just playing them up with scarves and tights and jewelry. I'm tired of it.

Last month I bought a basic gray shift on clearance for $9. I wasn't sure if it would fit me right or work for me in the long run, but I figured that at such a cheap price, I had to take a chance. It arrived and was a little too long and slightly tight in the bust. I was disheartened; the length was something I could easily remedy, the tightness in the bust - not so much. But then a little light bulb lit up above my brain and I realized - This dress has very basic straight lines, it's simple and timeless. This dress could be used as a pattern to create an even better dress in any fabric I want. This could become the pattern for MANY dresses in flirty florals with lots of colors to play off of, accessory-wise. I could create my own wardrobe - finally.

On a mission, armed with an idea, I set off for the fabric store in search of perfection. I found it. Two gorgeous florals, the same pattern, but using different background and flower colors. So many options! Then I got home, traced my own basic pattern, laid out the fabric, started working out in my head which way to cut... only to realize I should have bought 3 yards of each fabric instead of 2. Really? Such an elementary mistake from a girl who has been sewing by hand since she was 4 years old? Yes. Because this girl is not used to working with patterns, has never sewn clothes for an adult body from scratch, and didn't think to cut her pattern and measure it BEFORE heading to the store. It's time for the proverbial headdesk. Right there. Boom.

Thankfully, all is not lost. I think I've devised a babydoll-esque waist that will require a seam and smaller cuts of fabric, thus actually fitting into the swath I brought home from the fabric store. I have yet to test out if this theory is correct or not, but it's something. Better than crying at my own lack of planning and forethought.

glimpses into our quiet little life.

Also, I jumped (very cautiously and carefully, mind you. I'm not a big fan of jumping) onto the bandwagon that is FormSpring and now you can go ask me some questions. I don't fully understand this social network yet. I can't seem to find out who is following me or who the people I follow are following or are followed by. A lot of following seems to be going on, but it appears to function quite differently than the typical "friending" that happens in online social life. Even twitter is more of a following thing and less of a friending thing, but I can wrap my head around all that because they made it possible for me to actually LOOK at who is following who. WHEW. So basically, I am a busy-body and was born to live in small towns where people gossip... or something.

I have a point, I swear.

My point is - ask me some gosh-darn questions, you guys!

Frugal Goulash. That's the official name.

Step 1: Crack open a bottle of delicious beer and drink some. I currently recommend Pipeline Porter. It's a lot darker than what I'd normally drink, but sits surprisingly light on your tummy and tastes SO good.

Step 2: Throw a tablespoon or two of cooking oil in a skillet over medium heat and let it warm up. Add in 4 to 6 cloves of garlic, minced, and half a red onion, chopped into smallish pieces. Let that cook and get tender for a few minutes.

Step 3: Turn your burner up to med/high and add ground beef. You could use anywhere from 1/2 a pound to a whole pound. I used somewhere around 2/3 or 3/4 of a pound, because I'm so precise. Sprinkle a good amount of pepper, salt, and paprika. Stir it up and let it brown. While you're doing this, get a pot of salted water boiling for your pasta. I use elbow macaroni because it's nostalgic. Once your water is boiling, add the pasta (8 ounces) and cook for a minute or two less than the directions tell you. You don't want it all soppy and the pasta cooks up a little more once the goulash is all mixed at the end.

The pasta is boiling, the beef is browning, the birds are singing... good stuff.

Step 4: once your beef is browned, DO NOT drain it. The fat adds flavor, yo. Throw in an 8 oz can of plain tomato sauce or a couple tablespoons of tomato paste and two cans of diced tomatoes with all of their juice. I generally use one can of plain and one can of something fancy like oregano and basil, cause I'm fancy, you know. Give that a good stir, sprinkle a little more pepper and/or paprika, if you dare, and let it all mingle for a few minutes over medium heat. While that's mingling, grab a few handfuls of frozen peas and cook them in the microwave in water for 3 to 4 minutes.

Step 5: The fun part. Drain those peas and add them to your skillet. Stir, stir, stir. Now add in that cooked and drained pasta and stir, stir, stir some more. You can't stir it too much, really. Keep on stirring to your hearts content. Put a lid on, turn the heat down to low and let it all cook together for about 6 or 7 minutes, STIRRING every minute or so, of course.

Step 6: Sprinkle with sharp cheddar and serve. It's yummy.

I turn being a stereotypical chick into some kind of art form.

I like to think I'm quite progressive, that my views on traditional gender constructs are modern and feminist and enlightened....

I expect that while my partner works outside the home to bring in about 80% of the income that supports us, that he also shoulder a fair amount of the housework. I expect him to share parental responsibilities, even though the child I have is not his, because he chose this family and all that came with it. I expect him to equally parent any child we decide to have together. I expect him to be open and honest with me about how he views his role in this family so that we can always know where the other person stands and be on the same page as much as possible. I expect him to treat me as an equal and not to belittle me or my work, domestic or otherwise. I expect him to trust the decisions I make on my own and to respect my point of view when making decisions together. I'm hardly an authority on the subject of gender equality and division of household responsibilities in a co-habitating partnership, but I thought I knew my stuff and I thought I knew US.

I am not my mother.

And yet... I fell into the same old trap. Many women before me have fallen in and I didn't pay attention, I didn't see it as a warning or cautionary tale. I bumbled forward and fell into that stupid, typical, predictable, ginormous trap. Valentine's Day. How could I have been so blind?

I told Seth weeks ago that I was expecting the moon. I told him I needed the day to be all about me. I basically let him know that I'd been feeling neglected and not special and that he could remedy that in conjunction with a big holiday. Seriously? Yes. I did those things. I expected way too much and when he did sweet things for me, I didn't see them for what they were. I always had my eyes out on the horizon, waiting for the big show-stopper Valentine's Day gesture. By this time, the damage was done. I sulked the entire weekend and ruined the whole thing. I was a big baby. A very selfish baby. Me! Who is oh-so-enlightened about matters of gender equality in the home. Me! Who is oh-so-rational and didn't expect a traditional proposal or wedding. Gag. May I never fall into the Valentine's Day trap ever again.

Houston, we have foundation!

This is the property as of yesterday afternoon. I'm crossing my fingers that this rain lets up and that there's some more visible progress in the next couple of weeks! Our finish date is still hovering around May-ish.

STOP - Bootie Time.

Wrap-Around Suedette Boot
$24.80

Buckled Ankle Boot
$26.80

They're both pretty. They would both coordinate nicely with my wardrobe (though I wish there were maybe some grey or cool neutral options). The top pair came in black, which was my ideal choice, but they're out of my size.

Women's Journee Collection Button Accent Ankle Boots
$34.99
Ack. This one is Out Of Stock and I somehow didn't notice... remove it from the running. *pout*

I simply cannot make a decision and need a little bit of input. I want to order something before the end of the day. I would ideally like something in black, but am finding next to nothing.

ETA: After some discussion on facebook, I started browsing Amazon & Ebay and found these options as well!

#4 - http://cgi.ebay.com/BLACK-Basic-Stud-Round-Toe-Flat-Ankle-Bootie-Sz-8-5_W0QQitemZ120527978545QQcmdZViewItemQQptZUS_Women_s_Shoes?hash=item1c10070031

#5 - http://cgi.ebay.com/NEW-WOMEN-BOOTS-ANKLE-BOOTIE-BLK-SIZE-8_W0QQitemZ380205400299QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item58860200eb

#6 - http://www.amazon.com/Soda-Pad-Ankle-Boots-Black/dp/B002LL7L5I/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=shoes&qid=1265999098&sr=8-5

ETA #2: Ok, thanks to everyone that responded on facebook, twitter, and here... I got it all sorted and found one black pair and one brown pair and ordered away! I never would have thought to check ebay, overstock or amazon had it not been for everybody's help... Shopping FAIL, on my part.

one, two, three, four... what are we fighting for?

Back in September, when Silas and I attended Chautauqua, I met two women who shared our cabin and I started to think very deeply about my own femme persona and how I could further stretch and test my own boundaries. Both of these women wore their leg hair natural and unshaven and I found this commendable. They were so completely comfortable with this display of bucking the system - it floored me.

I've never asked either of them what their motivation was or how this outward display had affected their own perceptions of modern femininity... for all I know, it was a total no-brainer for them and I'm just neurotic and analytical about such things. Femininity and the way in which one chooses to interpret it and project it is different from person to person. For some, it's a non-issue. No matter what their relationship was with the matter, meeting them and living under the same roof for 5 days got my wheels turning about my own identity.

I'd already been make-up free for several months at that point, as well as shampoo free, and both of those those changes had been profoundly liberating and eye-opening for me. I had shaved my legs to just above the knee a couple of nights before leaving for chautauqua, so when I got home... I stopped. Five months passed and last night in a bubble bath, I shaved them.

Part of me felt guilty, as if I were betraying someone or something, an idea or belief. I hadn't stopped shaving entirely for myself - a good portion of my motivation had been to test myself, my own comfort levels as dictated by society and my own messy brain, to embrace being au naturale, but I also wanted to prove something. I wanted to prove that I didn't NEED to shave my legs and that anyone expecting me to do so could stuff it. I was giving the finger to "the beauty ideal" and those who uphold it. Conveniently, I decided to embark on this test at the beginning of Fall and abandon it on the cusp of Spring. Very few people saw the social and political protest I was carrying around on my legs. In some ways I feel like a giant phony, a failure, a hypocrite.... but this affects no one but me. I'm putting way too much stock in something that only matters to myself. The fact that my motivation wasn't entirely intrinsic negates the whole experience on some level.

When I stopped wearing make-up... it was for me. When I reclaimed it in a way that was emotionally and politically akin to adopting a drag persona... it was for me. When I reduced my under-arm shaving from every day to once a month... it was for me. When I went no-poo... it was for me. When I quit dieting and started practicing HAES... it was for me. All of these decisions may have had an underlying socio-political edge, but that was just icing on the cake, not my original intent.

A day later I look down at my freshly shaven legs and feel a slight twinge of regret. I also feel kind of released by the expectation to keep them natural. It's so bizarre, how we evolve and change as people. To think that at one time the external expectation to shave was what I wanted to escape from, and what led me to such a drastic change. Now I'm on the opposite side of things... and I know this feeling of push and pull, just from a different angle.

I worry a little that this is some kind of slippery slope and the next thing I know, I'll be squirting a big glob of herbal essences onto my hair. I know myself better than that. Removing shampoo from my life has resulted in nothing but positive things - my hair has never felt softer, it's stronger and grows faster, my natural waves and curls are fun instead of unmanageable... I'm loving it. It's made the process of growing my hair out much less cumbersome than it would have been if it had still been a dry and unruly mess.

It has now been TEN MONTHS since I first went no-poo. Almost a year. This is borderline unfathomable. And yet... I feel like it's always been this way.

The Hawthorne District

After my trip last weekend, I must confess... I am love with a small and specific neighborhood in Portland - The Hawthorne District. It's a primo vintage shopping destination, for sure. The entire street is lined with second hand shops full of clothes, furniture, knick knacks, musical paraphernalia, and various and sundry amazing treasures. We only covered about 3 or 4 blocks worth, as we were a bit limited on time and cash, but in that small radius, I found my own personal heaven.

Place mats are something I don't normally keep my eyes open for, considering the odd shape and small size of my beloved dining room table. Most place mats are large and/or rectangular and I just know from looking at them that they simply aren't going to work. So when I saw these orange plastic beauties at a shop call Deco to Disco, I knew I had to have them. I was worried they might be a little too big, but the shape looked just right and I figured it was worth taking a chance. I'm glad I did, because they fit perfectly and the bright color and funky texture go wonderfully with my bright and manic kitchen! They were $15 for the set of four: A slightly steep price, but since sales tax doesn't apply, that was the exact price they'd be. I like that predictability and stability when walking into a shop, knowing I won't have to calculate much in my head, unless I find a lot of things to buy at once.

I found this bookshelf sitting out on the sidewalk in front of a fantastic furniture and decor centric shop called Lounge Lizard. They only wanted $30 or so for it and without the sales tax, how am I expected NOT to jump on that? The instant I saw it, I knew it was the right size and shape to replace our saggy black bookcase that was scavenged from the side of the road with a FREE sign on it. I also knew it would coordinate beautifully with the white late 50's/early 60's bookshelves we keep our media stuff on... and it does. It's not the exact same era, but the slight roundness of the edges makes it look like they were meant to be together. I intend to return to that store in search of the perfect vintage desk on my next trip.

We also spent about an hour in this one store called Vintage Pink. Lexi found some things to buy and I almost bought a gorgeous pair of second hand ankle height boots with a lovely little buckle, but they were ever so slightly too small. Maybe half a size or so, but just enough that wearing them with more than tights or bare feet would have been impossible. Plus, I'd spent over half the money I had with me on stuff for home and I didn't want to go overboard. It's not like I'll never visit down there again. I have other friends in the area that I wasn't able to see on this trip, so I'm sure I'll be planning another trek down before Fall.

Portland - you make me love you.

Last weekend I made it a point to drive 4 hours south and visit my best friend from way, way back. I'm so glad I did. We didn't see her mother (who it turns out has no ill will towards me and is just very social-network-illiterate and wants to keep her profile for family members and business stuff only and just didn't know that denying without any kind of personal message might come off as rude)... whew. Deep breath. I felt a huge weight off when I realized that while talking to Lexi about the whole thing.

So far 2010 has a definite theme: Self Awareness. I've always known that I gravitate towards curling up inside my own head and over-analyzing things, but this is the first time I've really acknowledged that tendency and worked hard to overcome it. A friend recently recommended that I read The Curse Of The Good Girl. It's technically a guide to raising strong, confident young girls, but I'm finding mountains of invaluable insight into my own patterns and habits within myself and especially within my friendships. Girls are raised to be so pleasant and non-confrontational and people-pleasing, but it just makes us soppy wet rags who can't handle criticism or rejection. It's not good. I've never fit the "good girl" mold 100%, but I can remember my mother putting pressure on me to atleast try. I was mouthy and non-conformist, but still had an innate drive to make people like me, I just liked to make it really hard for them. I figured if they made it through my wild veneer, then they were the real deal and would stick around for years and years of goofy friendship bliss with no confrontation whatsoever. I sometimes wonder what planet I'm from, that I do these crazy things. I think it's something that stems from Bi-Polar and maybe my obsessive tendencies just took it up a notch. Most likely, it's a combo of a lot of things and I'll never be able to pinpoint it's exact origin, but just knowing it's there is invaluable.

My fragility and inability to take constructive criticism or conflict in general has been a major roadblock in personal relationships in the past. Reconnecting with my best friend from the high school days has been a great exercise in breaking that pattern and learning to develop some sort of skin. Her and I live very different lives, believe different things, and have finally come to a common ground where that isn't a problem. There was a time where any conversation about almost any subject could turn me into a ball of raw nerves, wondering if it was going to go in a direction where we didn't agree. Wondering if it was going to end the friendship because we were just too far apart in some things... Looking back at those feelings, now being in a stronger place, I feel downright silly for being so fragile and assuming our connection was built on shifting sand. When I divorced my ex, moved to a liberal hippie town, and shacked up with a boy she didn't know, it DID throw a wrench in things for awhile... we lost our understanding of eachother and both backed off of the friendship to allow some space for growth. That space was invaluable, in hindsight, and has led to us being as close as we are now, but at the time the motivation was purely self-preservation and avoidance. The conflict that would have arose from our very different circumstances could have torn us apart back then, with the stability of the relationship in such shambles. I'm glad we're more concrete these days.

During our visit we had many conversations that further proved we're not always on the same page, and those conversations revealed that that is not a problem. It's not the end of the world. I still don't enjoy debating points, but being able to discuss things casually without breaking down is a huge step.

Besides, it's worth it to be able to cuddle her brand new little boy. I feel terrible that our emotional distance those few years meant that she missed out on part of Silas' life and I'm so glad that we figured things out in time that I won't have to miss out on Torsten. He is so exceedingly sweet and lovey and mellow and just... just... a dream. He's seriously a dream. I feel so honored and privileged to be that little man's honorary auntie.

And... to be Lexi's friend. It was so good to goof off again. We took goofy pictures of eachother on a stone bench and laughed and laughed and laughed. I hadn't done anything that silly in years.

We went thrift shopping and drank coffee and watched movies and drove around and planned meals and cuddled the baby and laughed and laughed and laughed. Our last visit had a different dynamic because she was at the tail end of a pregnancy, the drive there was MUCH longer, they were on the verge of moving out of their house, and I had Silas in tow. Our next visit will be late in the summer, once we've moved into our house and can host them up here in Port Townsend. I'm looking forward to it with a fervor I haven't felt in a long time. I've already started making notes of what meals I'll cook while they're here, what foodstuffs I'll need to stock up on, what accommodations I'll need to have ready... I love being a hostess and haven't gotten to indulge that passion of mine in an extremely long time and NEVER in a home I owned. I'm ecstatic beyond belief!

By then this little man will most likely be running all over the place, talking a little, and challenging all of us to keep up with him if we can. I can't wait to chase him.