posted by Jasie VanGesen at 9:46 AM
I've been wearing a uniform of sorts lately: tunic length black v-neck, leggings, knee high boots, large grandpa cardigan, scarf. Switch up which color leggings or sweater, change out the scarf, do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. Needless to say, it's been getting a little stale. And since I love any good excuse to dress up, I decided to use Xmas as an opportunity to mix it up a little.
Xmas day outfit!
purple sweater dress & top layer of tights: walmart
bottom layer of tights: welovecolors
Xmas eve outfit!
black sweater dress: walmart
shoes & necklace: forever21
So... finding my tribe didn't really work out. I was trying too hard, forcing it, moving things along a little quicker than what comes naturally... it wasn't meant to be. Finding friends shouldn't be so hard. It's been on my mind a lot lately, and the more I think about it - my intentions are just plain silly. Do I really need to be on the lookout for friends? I'm one of those people who views every interesting person they meet as a potential buddy. It's like I'm always "on the prowl". I think about all the people I've known over the years and the vast majority of them have had a few close friends, not always nearby, not getting together and doing stuff on too regular a basis. This is hardly a unique or unusual situation. It seems like most people, or most smart and discerning people, anyway, don't have huge groups of friends. Where did I get this concept of the large friend-base with a full social calendar stretched ahead of me?
It doesn't really matter... I've spent so much time at my own pity party, lamenting my lack of a social life, that I've barely acknowledged the existence of the solid and awesome friendships I do have.
I have a visual graph in my head, kind of like Murray's friendship graph. I want to work quickly and tirelessly to push my acquaintances from the level they're at up past the best friend forever level. I view every disagreement as a possible setback and wonder if I'm ascending or descending on their graph, when in all likelihood, none of them have any kind of graph in their brain. It's silly, because I know from experience, from my own real friendships over the years, that a true friend connection doesn't hinge on those things.
One of my best friends on this earth is Candace. Her and I have very few tangible things in common. She works 50 to 60 hours a week in an office and loves it, she has kitties and two dogs instead of kids, she and her husband go on atleast 4 or 5 awesome vacations a year to exotic and far away locations, she's 5 years older than me and was raised in England... yet, we click. My best friend Lexi is someone I've known since all the way back in HS and college. She just had her first baby earlier this year, we like different music, have different ideas about politics, believe totally different things... yet, we click. Another one of my best friends, Kelly, is someone I've only met in person once, lives about 4 hours away, is a proficient chef and seamstress, and an all around amazing person... yet, we click.
I'm officially retired from Looking For Friends. The ones I've already got are here to stay. If another happens to come along and the stars align, then cool... but this is getting downright silly.
Last summer we decided to upgrade our sleeping situation. Our previous apartment had been partially furnished, including a bed-frame and mattress. When we moved into our current apartment in Spring of 08, we got Seth's mattress out of storage and threw it on the floor. He had bought it before we were shacking up, and being the practical (read: cheap) guy he is, he had only bought a Full. Fast forward past two years of sleeping on a borrowed Queen sized mattress as a couple and imagine going back to a Full. It was cramped, really really cramped. But we managed to make it work for over a year.
Last July we started researching memory foam mattresses and found one we really liked for a pretty good deal. The recommendation was to put it on a platform or slatted style bed-frame to best support the mattress. We thought, "Hmmm, the floor is nice and hard. We'll just throw it on the floor like we did with our old mattress! It'll be plenty supportive enough. La ti da." The support was fine... what we didn't think of was air flow underneath the mattress. I'd never slept on memory foam before. It not only cradles your body in the comfiest way possible, but it also wicks away moisture. Where does that moisture go? Well, in a normal situation, it would pass through the mattress and wouldn't be a huge deal because it'd be on a bed-frame and would breathe and air out. Not so much, if you haphazardly threw it on the floor like a chump.
This is what happened. It was really not any fun at all. Thankfully we discovered this when we did, or it could have been a heck of a lot worse. No mildew developed on the carpet or in the mattress, just some mustiness and grossness on the underside surface. Nothing that couldn't be fixed by a little time next to the heater and a ridiculous amount of eucalyptus essential oil.
We knew we needed to put in on a proper bed-frame and FAST. Seth's parents stepped in and informed us they'd be spending a pretty generous amount on each of the kids this Xmas and wanted to know what we needed in that price range. We waffled back and forth about a new TV or one of those portable ipod docks with built in speakers... and then felt the smack of the obvious across our foreheads. DUH! Biggest no-brainer of all time.
So they bought us a bed-frame. We poked around online, trying to decide which design we liked best. Originally we had our eye on this beauty, but the more we thought about it, we realized neither of us particularly likes frames with head- and foot-boards. Especially in such a small bedroom that also currently houses our computer desk. So we eventually decided on this simple frame! Since it was such a physically large item that couldn't really be wrapped and also since we were in such dire need of it, Seth's mom had him go ahead and order it right then and there and have it shipped straight to our place. It got here on Friday and I had it put most of the way together by the time Seth got home from work!
And by jove! We love it.
- I woke up to Silas climbing into bed, poking my butt with his foot saying, "Mama, wake up. I heart you! Wake up." Holy crap, it was sweet.
- While I was making tuna melts for lunch, he initiated a game where we had to come up with as many alliterations as we could before the sandwiches were done grilling.
- We played Aggravation together while eating lunch. He won.
- I got yesterday's laundry off the drying rack & put away, brushed out the ginormous flokati rug in the living room, and got all the dishes done. I also ate the last 3 green tea shortbread cookies I made yesterday. It's all about the matcha.
- Silas spent most of the afternoon editing levels in a flash reproduction of original Super Mario Bros online. He has such ridiculous amounts of fun with that and spends the entire time humming and beat-boxing.
Edited to add - part 2 from Jasie VanGesen on Vimeo.
And since I know not everybody is going to be able to watch the videos (dude, they're LONG!), here's a summary of what the hell I was rambling on and on about and some valuable links.
Summary: I deal with bi-polar disorder. My highs and lows cycle very quickly, which has it's pros & cons, but it is what it is. I haven't been taking care of myself or actively working to feel better, that coupled with the winter blahs has resulted in things being worse lately. I'm now focusing on doing some of that seemingly small maintenance and self-care that has helped in the past: taking fish oil, vitamin D, drinking more water (or drinking water in general, it's something I rarely do), getting exercise and fresh air, even though it's freezing cold out there, and just focusing on being pro-active with this instead of always letting the tide of mania and despair carry me out to sea.
I just noticed Silas in the first video... around the 4:25 mark he peeks out and does some rock and roll signs at the camera. Oh my. Atleast he got his cameo. Also, please forgive the poor lighting and me wearing my grubbies. It had been a long day. I'm amazed my eyes were open properly after all the goofy crying.
Or quit it entirely. I'm not really sure just yet.
I haven't been doing well for quite some time... and I feel like lately it may be getting worse. Honestly, I will probably delete this in a few hours while laughing at myself for being so flighty and impulsive and dramatic. Or it might be the last post for awhile. Though the last time I said that, I ended up posting a bunch of posts in quick succession.
What I do know for sure is that I need to treat myself a little more gently. A good friend told me earlier today to be kind to myself. She was right. I need to give myself permission to step back, breathe, and then power forward... doing whatever it takes to make myself feel better. To heal myself.
- 2 tbsp olive oil
- 1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
- 1 tbsp worcestershire sauce
- a few dashes of pepper
Slather onto chicken breasts, lay uncooked bacon on top. Bake covered at 350 degrees for 40 minutes. Drain off any excess cooking juices, then bake uncovered for an additional 10-15 minutes. Broil lightly for 2 minutes or until bacon looks crisp. Serve. Die a happy death because you have now tasted the most delicious chicken on earth.
Recently I was bemoaning the lack of rhythm in our days... and I got to thinking - while our days may be a little helter skelter in nature, our nights have a reliable and concrete flow to them.
Dark chocolate cocoa, stirred with a candy cane until ridiculously pepperminty, then topped with an insane amount of marshmallows.
Turkey, bacon, cucumber and tomato on toasted wheat bread spread with a mixture of mayo & balsamic vinegar. Nom nom nom.