I might be the only one here, but the most recent Momversation made me feel like some kind of freak of nature.
I grew up calling my parents Thom & Jai. It wasn't until I was 8 or 9 and the public school principal made a comment to them that she felt it was highly disrespectful, that my mom insisted I call them by their titles of Mom & Dad instead. My older half siblings lived with their mom and my youngest brother wasn't born until I was 11, so I essentially spent most of my childhood as an only-child. No other kids were around. I never heard anyone call my parents mom & dad and so it just didn't stick. My parents never had a problem with it. It seemed natural.
Silas goes back and forth between calling me Mom or Mama, and addresses me as Jasie if he's trying to get my attention in a place where there are a lot of other adults. He's learned that if he just says, "hey mom", eight different women will turn around. He calls his stepfather by his first name and has always called his father's girlfriends by their first names. He calls my dad Grandpa Thom. His friends' moms are either addressed by their first names or as "so and so's mom".
Is this a hippie thing? Is this a Pacific Northwest thing? Is this a generation whatever thing? Is this a horrible wild children running amok thing? I feel like an outsider here, man.
I have been so overwhelmed and emotional lately. I'm trying hard to be "normal" and just failing failing failing, over and over. It's like my brain isn't wired for normal. It doesn't know how to do normal...
I know a lot of people say normalcy is a myth, there is no such thing. So let me clear up what the hell *I* mean by the word normal --> Cheerful, even-keeled, rolls with the punches, gets stuff done, doesn't complain or get lost in negativity, doesn't feed off the people around them, doesn't cry on a daily basis... Someone who can be there for their child, whether the child is "difficult" or not, they can help their kid through things instead of trying to escape from them. A person who doesn't get claustrophobic and panicky whenever someone needs them. Someone who thinks before they speak, doesn't yell all the time, can handle stuff not always going their way... Someone who isn't a self-centered, indulgent, pain in the ass spoiled brat at 28 years old.
An acquaintance from college recently remarked on her blog: "... I am more likely to think, 'it isn't as bad as all that. Now let's have a damn cookie and cheer the fuck up because there might be cocoa later.' Ennui requires too much effort from me. Full time job or something." And that hit me: I SO want to be that kind of person. I've always admired that attitude and line of thinking. Sometimes I feel so far away from that kind of existence.
Yesterday Silas danced with a penguin through the glass and I experienced something outside of my own muddled head and it felt good. When I'm knee deep in my emotional brain muck, I'm no good to anyone, myself included. And once I'm out of it, looking back on it, I know it isn't good and doesn't make sense.
Seth and I had a long talk this morning where he asked me if I think I'm ready for these steps forward: finalizing the house, moving in, getting married, having a baby in the near future. I told him that honestly, no... I'm not ready for any of it and furthermore, I'm not ready for the life I already have. Or the childhood I had to live through, or the failed marriage I survived... I've never been ready for anything, because my emotional brain muck stalls me and I get all wound up and cry cry cry. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't move forward, it means I need to figure some stuff out and get my shit together. I need to make a seriously conscious effort to be here. To be accessible. To be vulnerable. To not be so muddled anymore.
One of the things taking up prime real estate in my brain is my Etsy shop. I've been making consistent sales for the first time... five on the 14th, one on the 17th, four on the 22nd, three on the 23rd, two on the 26th... It doesn't seem like much compared to other shops who do a lot of business, but for me, not being open a year yet, doing everything by hand... it's a lot of purchases! It's been fantastic, but quite a bit to keep track of. It's nice to be so busy with it: it's helped me not stress about the house or get caught up in the impatience of it all.
Originally we were told that once we signed the final papers on the house, it would take about 4 to 6 weeks for the loan to go through, then we'd be able to move in. Well, so many people are trying to beat the deadline for the first time home buyer's credit that the banks are all backed up. Our bank is still processing loans filed at the beginning of September... so now they're saying it would be more like 7 to 10 weeks. Still not a horrendously long time to wait, but it puts our move-in date RIGHT before Xmas. Talk about hectic. I hope everyone is ok with getting handmade gifts this year.