A friend of mine recently posted a list on her blog of 25 Things That Make Me Feel Like a Bad Mom... and I think she pinpointed something that can be very hard to articulate.
"...it's different to be "mom". WAY more judgment entailed in the label / identity of "mom", so when that word is leveled against me it's nuanced differently than "parent" - most moms understand what I'm saying here..."
I'm always a little on edge when it comes to what people may think of me... and I know that's the wrong way to go about life, I know. You can control what you present, but you can't control how people will perceive it. That's hard to accept for a control freak like me. It's hard for me to be completely honest when presenting myself in written form... I used to lose sleep wondering if my ex husband would find something online and take it to a lawyer in a bid to take away my custody of Si, I worried what my mother would say if she saw something she didn't approve of, I worried about putting things in public here before I even thought of sharing them with Seth... but I've found time and time again that it's worth it. To express myself, to be in charge of editing my own life, writing my own story, sharing my own authentic feelings, it's worth it. So without further ado, here is my own personal list of 25 Things That Make Me Feel Like a Bad Mom.
Disclaimer: Both Silas & I deal with bi-polar disorder and are in weekly therapy together to work on all of this stuff.
Take with a grain of salt and your tongue firmly planted in your cheek.
Some things here are put through a filter of crippling self-doubt and insecurity.
1) My fuse is astronomically short. Silas is so much my carbon-copy that he knows how to catch me at just the wrong moment and watch me unleash my fury. This could involve raising my voice, demanding he leave the room, making *
that face... any number of unpleasant results.
2) I'm so lazy. You have no idea. There are times when he'll call me into a room and I'll stall for 10 minutes saying, "
just a minute" or "
I'll be there in a sec" or "
hold on, you crazy child!" and I"ll finally go look at whatever it is he wants me to look at. Every time this happens I'm genuinely delighted by what he's writing, coloring, cutting, or performing for me... but then it happens again the next time, without fail. I have trouble tearing myself away from anything I'm focused on, nomatter how unimportant.
3) He has never been invited to a sleepover at a friend's house or had a friend sleepover here. It's never been presented as an idea or an option. Because *I* haven't ever presented it.
4) As I mentioned earlier in the post, I am a control freak. I'm wound so tightly that my poor almost-8-year-old son doesn't even get to pick out his own clothes except when it's time for bed. I lay out his clothes everyday. I ask his opinion from time to time, but what gets bought, laundered, and laid out is totally my prerogative. And I feel like shit for it. How can I say I want him to be autonomous when I lay out his daily outfits and say no to him wearing his favorite shirt again? But then I take pride in how good he looks. I'm at a crossroads.
5) My need for control stretches further and causes major friction between Si & I... I have to know where he is pretty much all the time. If he's not in his room, I must know EXACTLY what he's doing at all times. Not for fear he'll be abducted or run over... but for fear that he'll annoy someone. I don't like my neighbors, I don't actually know my neighbors... but for some reason I give a rats ass what they think of my child. I hate this about myself. It's the same way in the grocery store, restaurants, everywhere. I have this fanatical need for him to keep to himself. Don't touch that, don't talk to that person, don't talk so loud, don't run. Seriously? I make him feel like everything he does is wrong wrong wrong and I make myself look like a tense emotional mess on the verge of a meltdown.
6) When he acts up in public (
or y'know, behaves like an actual child, the horror) I have been known to make *
that face and quicken my pace so he has trouble keeping up. I'm pretty much robo-bitch.
7) I take everything personally. When he proclaims that he's sick of raw carrots, when he doesn't want a hug right that second, when he ignores something I said to him... basically, anytime the poor kid has feelings about something, my first instinct is to take those feelings personally. It's something I'm working on, these are all things I'm working on. But it's a process, fighting your instincts... working uphill. I need to stop and think and figure out how he feels and why and how to move forward and accept that 9 times out of ten, it hasn't got shit to do with me.
8) He's been asking me to teach him how to sew for a couple of months. I haven't even started getting him used to holding a needle. I've missed the mark on this one. I could be spending quality time with him, teaching him things, nurturing talents and interests... but instead I selfishly clutch my ability to sew, like a possessive three year old screaming, "
MINE!"
9) I don't like to read outloud. It makes my throat go dry. I know this is purely psychological, since talking everyone's ear off doesn't make my throat go dry, but the mind is a powerful thing. So Seth reads to him every night. Tonight they're in the last chapter of The Hobbit.
10) I am wary of him socializing with other children because of his differences and his emotional setbacks and stuff. I know him and know he is the most hilarious, fun to be around, intelligent little boy on the face of the earth. Yet I freak out and assume other kids won't see that and they'll tease him. He's been bullied and picked on so much before that I don't let him form relationships. I do it out of protectiveness... but I'm hurting him. It's not like I'll ever be friends with any of these other kids' parents. I don't need to make a good impression and neither does he. I've got to learn to just let him be himself and navigate his own path.
11) I have become one of those people who doesn't allow toys in the living room. I'm very protective of my space and children would view my home as a "museum". I hated going to play or sleepover at these kinds of houses when I was a kid. They felt so sterile.
12) Earlier this week we made it for 3 days without leaving the house. At all. The closest we got was me on the back porch having a much needed smoke and him riding his scooter around the yard.
13) I'm a pushover when I shouldn't be. I put boundaries on things that don't need them and cave in on things I should probably hold my ground on.
14) I'm don't know how to let go and trust him. He's almost 8, very capable of doing many things for himself. I discovered today that he knows how to use the microwave... why haven't I let him do this before? He knows how to wash his own hair and put on his own belt and heat up his own leftovers. There is no reason I need to hover over him like he's incapable. He's more capable than I've ever given him credit for. I can't continue the pattern of ignore. control. ignore. control.
15) His only regular chores are getting the mail and taking out the recycling. I feel like I should be teaching him more responsibility, but once again, I have stress letting go of things and accepting that he's capable.
16) I spoil him with stuff he doesn't need. He's got this horrific sense of entitlement and it's 100% my fault.
17) I rarely take the time to explain things to him as in-depth as I should. I often expect him to understand things outside of his field of knowledge.
18) I feel like he spends too much time in front of the TV. I know that compared to many kids, hell... most kids, he doesn't. I grew up in a household that always had atleast as many television sets as people. The TV was on ALL day as background noise and then in the evening we all crowded around it, or even worse, each went to our own personal TVs and watched different things. Silas watches a couple movies a week and we watch about 1 hour of shows together 4 or 5 days a week. We watch things like Jeopardy and How It's Made and Bizarre Foods. He learns things and we cuddle and we talk about what we're watching. This one is kind of me complaining about wishing things were more ideal and defending my current situation as if it were already ideal. I go back and forth on this one daily. I honestly don't know how I feel about it, I just know it's emotional for me and I'm fickle.
19) I've bought many parenting books that have either never been opened or never finished. I owe him better than that.
20) I haven't started saving for college for him yet. I've kind of assumed he won't go to college... that's horrible, I know. But I'm the product of a high school drop out and someone who barely graduated. They didn't pursue further education until later in life... I didn't finish high school and didn't apply myself when I was in college (
granted, I started at age 16, but some kids do fine with that). I'd love for him to seek something better than that, but I don't expect it. I'm not sure I consider "school" better than anything... He'll find his own path, whether it be school or art or traveling or whatever... but how can he get there if I don't help him financially along the way?
21) We don't spend enough time with family. He sees my parents once a month or so, even though they only live two towns away. My older sister has a son the exact same age as Si... they've seen eachother twice in the last two years. She only lives in the Seattle area. Not far away. No excuses.
22) I generally don't like other people's kids unless I get to know them really well or they're babies (duh). This is probably a large part of why Silas never has friends over... or never has friends. I don't like anybody. I'm terrible.
23) There are days where his lunch consists of MAYBE two food groups. He's going through a serious food hating phase and I can't be arsed to whip something up just for him that takes time and effort and ingredients, all for him to look at me like I'm trying to kill him. So yesterday I shoved some frozen chicken nuggets and french fries in the oven and called it lunch. Last Friday his lunch was ritz cracker sandwiches with spreadable swiss and salami in them... and that was it.
24) We simply don't go on enough adventures or have enough playtime together. I'm not very playful and I feel like I'm missing out on a lot by being so uptight and distracted.
25) I hate his father with an undying passion. We split up nearly 4 years ago and I've been with someone stable and wonderful since then, but for some reason I cannot rid myself of the disdain I have for my ex-husband. Everything he does is a joke to me. I know this isn't remotely healthy for Silas, and I keep it to myself around him. But he's not stupid. He picks up on moods and attitudes and vibes... he must know on some level. I feel like I've done him a great disservice by picking such an idiot to be his father.
I really hope we can get something started here... the more moms who sit down and get honest with themselves, the better. Let's take down the facade for a moment and be truthful about our shortcomings, without fear of judgement. Let's just bond and relate and support eachother. The less self-aware we all are, the less we can work towards change for ourselves and for our kids.
If you write a list like this yourself, please link back to here or leave a comment!
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My mother made the face too. It involved pursing of lips, furrowing of brow, and reddening of face. Quite a sight to behold.
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