She's like the wind.

Suddenly and without warning I've been overcome with a debilitating case of ennui about the fact that I have a legitimate blog where I write about things. I don't know if it's the busy go-go-go nature of summertime, or if I've run out of even remotely interesting things to say, or if I'm just in a phase where blogging isn't on my radar.

It seems like every time my writing starts picking up steam and I get a consistent flow of thoughts and feelings to share with the world (and a consistent rise in visitors and followers), that eventually I just kind of fall off the face of the earth for awhile. I apologize for this. Really, I have no idea what my deal is or why this happens again and again. I've never claimed to be a stable or consistent human being.

I just want to put out there that I am feeling happy and fulfilled and am excited about pursuing new and interesting things out there on the horizon. I've got a lot of plans swirling around in my brain and a lot of feelings about how good things are going these days... it's just that writing about it in a formal space isn't really on the agenda right now.

I'm sure I'll be back. This space isn't going anywhere. I may still post from time to time, or you may not see me here for a year, or I might start posting regularly again in a few weeks. I know better than to make concrete predictions about my own flightiness. Goodness knows I've got internet presence to spare in many other places online, so it's not like you won't know what's going on with me if you feel inclined to check.

Thank you to all of you for being an utterly fabulous and amazing community of lovely and supportive people. It means a lot to me.

It's Friday, I'm in Love: faith no more

I don't generally write much about my religious upbringing or how I came to leave the church and ultimately Christianity; it's a hard subject to tackle sensitively. It doesn't matter what angle I come at it from, someone is going to be hurt - either by generalizations I make, or perceived (and some not perceived) judgments, or just by the fact that I no longer believe what I once believed. There are those that would be deeply hurt by me simply stating that I do not believe in god anymore... I can't avoid that.

The header here lists several labels under which I identify, which include "former christian" and "secular humanist". A couple of years ago, it said "former religious zealot" instead. At the time, I found it to be a hilarious declaration, but ultimately decided it was an immature way to express my departure from the church/faith. I found out later that while my mother found the first label to be slightly distressing, she was actually hurt more by what I changed it to, as it had lost its humorous cadence and had become serious and blunt.

I know several people who were brought up in christian families who left those beliefs behind, piece by piece, as they grew up and changed and got in touch with their true selves, deep down inside. It can be a hard thing for a parent to hear, I'm sure, that those things you taught your child as truth, that you hold to be true yourself, they no longer believe. I can't imagine how that must feel, but I have to be true to myself.




I find lots of comfort in the music of David Bazan, a former christian who fronted the band Pedro The Lion and has continued making music after denouncing christianity. The way he talks about his own former faith is something I understand. He introduces this performance with, "a lot has changed since I wrote this song, but it's an interesting document." Considering the subject matter of the song, I actually find it much more relevant and poignant when sung from a place removed from the original message of the song. If you're not familiar with his work, I suggest you get familiar, because he is a gem.

sartorial sunday: Ralph Lauren or whatever.

This weight is the heaviest I've ever been. I'm going to let that sink in for you for a minute...

I weigh 240 pounds // my BMI (coughbullshitcough) is 42.5 

40 or higher is considered Morbidly Obese. This is why I add the term "DEATHFATTY" to my outfit descriptions - I am the walking dead. If you believed everything you heard (please don't), you'd think I was about to drop dead any second now. I don't owe health to anyone, but I can tell you that I feel pretty confident about my body and how I live in it these days. I'm more consistently active than I've ever been in my adult life, my eating is no longer horrifically disordered, and my mental and emotional health is the most stable it's ever been. Ever. Plus... sex life. Yes. Good. Very nice.

This personal progress has had the hilarious result of making me want to wear less and less clothing. I want it shorter, tighter, thinner, sometimes almost non-existent. I want to wriggle around and sausage myself into things. I have recently discovered that H+M is faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaab for this. I hadn't set foot in one of their stores until Friday afternoon, and when I walked in... I was in heaven.

t-shirt dress - H+M (size L)

5’3” - 240ish - size 18/20ish - DEATHFATTY

I was on the prowl for a specific dress (it doesn't appear to be on the website anymore) that I borrowed from Amber when she visited a couple of weeks ago. It took me over an hour to find it (I made several laps around the store in search of it and must have looked at the rack it was on 2 or 3 times before it jumped out at me), but I eventually did find it and purchased the fuck out of it. In my travels, I was fortunate to also find an adorable t-shirt dress that was only $13. I promptly grabbed it in black and two other colors. Yes, you heard me right - colors. I'm working hard at brightening things up and not limiting myself. So hard, in fact, that I also bought two pairs of adorable micro-suede flats in bright purple and a neon/acid yellow.

I ended up spending about $140, but that money got me 4 dresses, 2 pairs of shoes, a necklace, and a hoodie and a pair of jeans for Silas. So not only are their clothes stretchy and fun to squeeze into, they're also pretty darn affordable. This DEATHFATTY can die happy (any second now, you guys).